february :: {forgotten photos}

"i miss blogging."
"then why don't you blog more?"
"seriously. life is crazy."
"i know it is. but if you love it so much, why aren't you making time to do what you love, instead of wasting time doing something that requires nothing of you?" <--- a conversation i had (with myself) that really hit me hard.

okay, let's face it. life really is honest-to-goodness crazy (yes, at times, i do talk to myself), and sometimes there is absolutely no time in between to do things we love. such as... say, blogging. (ahem.) pretty much all the photos i've been taken lately have been "forgotten", because, well, i haven't posted in almost 2 months. (whaaa?) honestly, life seems to come in waves, alternating between the crashing, billowing swells that suck us under, and steal the breath of our lungs and the gentle, persistent tide that laps against our feet just often enough to keep us unbalanced. 

life is an ocean of so many different colors, and sensations and experiences. full of memories and distractions that fill our time, and pull our attention away from things that matter. and the truth is, life stops for no man (or woman). even the happiest moments hold bittersweet memories, and sometimes we don't have time to do the things we love most. but i am determined to make time - at least, make more time - and spend less time doing senseless things that have no positive or useful effect on my life, and spend more time doing things i love. 

which means, hopefully i'll be blogging a bit more regularly in the future. because, truthfully, i really do miss it. and sometimes you have to sit down and just do it. ignore the boundaries and boxes we build for ourselves, the guidelines we create that stay within the appropriate range of 'blogger expectations' and simply write when we have something to say. i used to do it so much more, and i want to get back to it.

because, hey, it isn't just writing i miss. i miss YOU guys too! so, what's new with you friends? how is your 2015 going? i'd honestly love to hear. xo

p.s. as the title says, here are some random snapshots from the month of February that never saw the light of day. ;)


life as an ocean.

Life is an ocean, or so they say. A tidal wave that crashes over us, overflowing into our hearts, washing into cracks that have slowly worked their way into our souls and become a part of us, changing, shifting, taking and returning. Arrivals and departures. Salt water washing over us, our hearts aching from the suddenness of the nearness and then the emptiness that follows absence. But, perhaps, more often than not, things come and go unnoticed; like a whisper of smoke dissipating into the gray air, leaving no trace behind that it was ever there, except for the remembrance of pine and dirt, thick and heavy in our senses. 

Even life itself is given and taken as time passes. This is simply the unavoidable reality of being human. And still, hands grasping, hearts clutching, eyes seeking, we hold onto things that, perhaps, we should have let go of a long time ago. A tide returning to the shores that sent it away, fragments of memories, faces - ghosts, mere illusions of the past - and moments long since washed away by the ceaseless rhythm of time and change; moments we thought we had forgotten. Stars explode in our galaxy of abandoned planets; a reel of the past that has been pushed aside by our hearts to conserve and protect our sanity and the cracking, fragility of our hearts is suddenly replaying before our eyes.

Oh yes, there is safety in separation; there is strength and invulnerability found in being alone, but sometimes, perhaps, strength is only an illusion of the mind. The heart knows in the very depths of it's own pain, that no one wants to be alone, no matter what they say. All they really want is someone who will care enough to stay. 

Life is an ocean, they say. We are mere pieces of driftwood, caught in the billows, swallowed by the waves, pulled by the current of a reality that is ever changing. But yet, there are some things that never change. There are some things that stay constant, things that are rooted in the hollowness of our hearts, only waiting for the right moment - for permission - to grow.

We're afraid to let go, perhaps, but someone once told me, you can't move on until you do. Who knows what's waiting just beyond the boundary of fear you've built? We'll never know unless we take a chance. Life is full of chances, after all. Maybe you all you have to do is make a choice to take a chance and see where it goes.

xx, m 


v o i d // fictional poetry

i) a thick blanket of clouds,
wrapping tendrils of fog across
the shoulders of the mountain.
deep roots, bare branches,
myriads of color blended together,
a mystic painting etched by the finger of winter.
we are carried by the heavy breath of time,
snowflakes peppering the sky, a haze falls
over our eyes, and the world turns white
as if with fallen ash. 

ii) i see you in the gray clouds
that settle over the reaching trees,
an illusion of warmth that dissipates
as soon as i immerse myself in your (its) embrace. 
the moon haunts the sky, absent as often
as it is there, hovering, a promise of constancy, 
a interminable reminder that nothing stays the same. 

iii) purple haze, light passing into memory
that fades with distance. 
a funeral; effulgence only a dim memory
of the hollow days past, your laughter
still ringing in the air, shadowed with words
that are now empty, heavy with that which
was promised, and forgotten.
i'm becoming a ghost, fading into
the past, melting into what you were.
and as illusions, we pass into the void.

just let me go.
don't hold on.
let me go.

this is the first time i've sat down to write poetry in months. it's aching, unnatural and the words don't flow like they used to, but it feels good to be writing - even if every word is fought for. also, i know i haven't been posting very regularly, but i'm getting back into it; slowly but surely becoming comfortable in the state of mind that used to be second nature to me. i've missed this. what's life like in your corner of the woods, friends? xx



our days have been intermittently caught up in transitions; fog, snow showers, icy roads, and then, the unquenchable Arizona sun, mud, and pale faces turned towards the light. it's as if the earth can't decide if wants to be heavy with shadows, or illuminated with the rays of the sun. even so, we are just as indecisive. the gray settles over us like a heavy blanket and we welcome the illusion of true winter with open arms, but just the same, we are unexplainably joyous to see the sun when it overcomes the clouds and bathes the earth in the warmth of its kiss. 

i still can't grasp the reality of 2015. a new year, goals, changes - big, and small. we don't notice the change until it's already behind us; we don't realize life has transitioned and changed, transforming us along with the seasons and those around us, until we look back. to move forward, they say you have to leave the past behind you, but remembering where you've come from is just as important as envisioning where you're going. the past is a part of who you are, stitched into your hands, etched into your mind, written on your soul.

our past is a part of us - of who we are, who we have become, and who we are constantly being shaped into - just as our future is only a vision, a hope, a collection of dreams. this new year has brought many new thoughts about my future; what i'm doing, where i'm going, and how i'm going to get there. i can't see the big picture; i don't know what my future hold, but there is hope in simply knowing that our God does. and i'm holding onto that.